Why don't they act like this at school? After School Restraint Collapse
By: Kristin Redington Bennett, PhD
ILLUMII Founder
How many of you have experienced recurring afternoon or evening meltdowns even though your kiddo typically is ‘perfectly fine’ during the school day? We hear about this A LOT! Children who have frequent meltdowns after school may be experiencing “After School Restraint Collapse” - a term coined by Psychotherapist Andrea Nair.
“Kids do well if they can”
This happens when kids (and some of us adults, too) try to maintain a certain level of “energy, mental motivation, emotional containment, and physical restraint (Nair, 2017)” while at school. When they get home, they are able to express themselves without fear of judgment or consequences. Home is considered a safe place to release all emotions and built up energy. Unfortunately, this can be exhausting for both the child as well as their parents. You may get comments from their teachers about how well they do in the classroom, but you may not see that immediately after they get out of school. That’s because they have been suppressing their true emotions at school to exemplify good behavior. Maybe you feel a little confused about how their mood switches on the ride home, but it’s because they have been trying to hold in those feelings and behaviors for 7+ hours at school.
An after-school meltdown may look like:
Defiance
Screaming
Tantrums
Emotional dysregulation
Withdrawal
Easily upset
Picking fights with siblings or parents
Refusing to do homework or chores
Whining and avoidance
It is important to remember that your kiddo does not intend to have a meltdown - this may be an automatic response as a way to release their emotions. As adults, we may go for a walk, do an intense workout, or even talk to a friend. This is your meltdown- it just looks and feels different. It helps to be understanding with your child and not pressure them to respond immediately to your requests. It is important to remember, ‘Children do well if they can!”. After a long day with best behavior, your child may bot be able to readily access their natural coping strategies.
How can you help your kiddo? Dr. Andrea Nair recommends a few ways that can help reduce the stress and pressure off of your child when they get home from school:
Here are some ways that you can help your child handle - “After School Restraint Collapse”:
Re-connect positively: Refrain from asking questions that may prompt negative attitudes or stress associated with school. Instead greet your child with a smile and hug.
Create Space: Allow your child to be alone with their thoughts and use the quiet time to regroup or settle down. No big conversations.
Feed Them: Give your child snacks after school to tame the potential “hangry monster” that may ensue. Put out healthy filling snacks like vegetables, fruits, cheese and nuts.
Reduce Household Clutter and Noise: Try to reduce clutter in the household. Some people are affected by what is in their space and too much ‘visual noise’ can cause anxiety.
Stay Connected Throughout the Day: Use age and personality-appropriate ways to stay connected with your child during the school day. Examples include: post-it note messages and letting your child take something of yours with them. This is called attachment bridging.
Provide Decompression Time: Allow your child to decompress from the day. Working on homework right away might feel like your idea of the best way to ‘get it done’. But, this doesn’t work for everyone. Let your child take the lead when they feel like talking or interacting. Also, try to incorporate aspects of play therapy. Some people decompress through play. Playing could be wrestling, running around outside or riding bikes.
Have Fun: Just having fun will release tensions from the day.
If these meltdowns plague your home - please know that there is help. School accommodations can be a first step to reducing the tension your child feels. Sharing with a teacher what is occurring at home is another great step. If you need support in implementing either one, or in learning to parent through the meltdown and collapse, that is where we come in - our counselors can help teacher regulation skills, our ADHD and Academic Coaches can help with homework, our consultants can brainstorm ideas, our behavior coaches can help create structures and routines. Reach out - we get it, and we are happy to help!
Other resources from some of our favorite sites:
ADD/ITUDE: How to survive the after school witching hour
ChildMind Institute: How can we help kids with self-regulation?